We are Surviving!

You creep into my life like a tornado in the night; but I waited in the shadows for you to show yourself.  The battle that I prepared myself for, turned out to be a war I almost gave up on.  You not only struck me, but my family as well.  As a single mother, we strive to continue on not matter what!  However, when you feel like you have no other choice but to give up and prepare your child for life without you, it makes you take stock of your life or lack there of.  No one knew what to make of you, I was told:  "It's just a migraine", "You can't be feeling this tired all the time", "Maybe you need more vitamins and exercise".  You name it, I think I heard it.  Surprisingly, after suffering for almost a year, an emergency doctor found my enlarged heart (which I did not have previously) and referred me to a cardiologist who cared (Dr. Jorge Castriz, I will forever thank him for caring enough to listen and look deeper).  Through testing he found YOU; Graves Disease!

http://www.inktastic.com/Find/Graves+Disease+Awareness

Finally, a name and with this I could begin to fight.  The first thing I realized was that it the roles in my household were reversed.  My daughter had become a worrier.  She checked on me while I slept to make sure I was breathing and okay.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that I needed all the sleep I could get, because my anxiety level was off the charts at night?  What she knew was that she did not want to loose her mother and she was going to do here part at trying to keep me well.....My hat, appreciation and love will always go out to my baby.  She fights with me.  It has been 6 years since I was properly diagnosed and at twelve she shows no signs of letting go of her overprotectiveness. She still asks about my doctors appointments, tests results and often reminds me of my medication.  The best thing about this is that it shows me how much of a support system I have in her.  The downside is that I feel as a parent, I should always be her support system not the other way around.  Graves has shown me a different side to illnesses.  We always say that the person is going through an illnesses, but truly the FAMILY goes through an illness.  For me FAMILY means my DAUGHTER, she walks the walks with me day in and day out.

This post is not just about Graves Disease Awareness, but about what I learned about my daughter through this disease.  She is very resilient when dealing with me and all my faults.  She has a great thirst for life that is quenched through the positive individuals she encounters.  My daughter has an inner light that never dims, no matter what obstacles she face.  Her greater instinct to help and mother others in need, outweighs her common sense sometimes (discernment is what we are learning to use in these instances).  My daughter is my hero!

After My Own Heart

Starring off into the half dusk sky, my daughter had that faint glimmer of deep thought in her eyes and her face displayed a traveling ease of far away contemplations; which lead me to envision myself as a child as if my car was a two way mirror from the past to the present. I felt that something was on her mind and when asked, she gave subtle, non-evasive replies “Nothing is on my mind”, “I am just quiet, mommy”, and my favorite: silence!


Ten minutes after I gave up the attempt to journey into her mind, a faint voice entered my thoughts by saying “Mommy, I do not want you to pass away”, “What would I do without you”. I was surprised by her expression and was immediately jolted into stating to her that “She will be okay, God will be here to help her through difficult times”. Her response to me was classic; “I am too little to be without you”. With a smile on my face and a nod of my head I said “God willing I will live to see you graduate from school, start your own family and surpass what I have achieved in life”.

This conversation began while we watched the Loretta Claiborne story. When the actress began to cry because her mom died, I automatically turned my attention to my daughter to view what her reaction was to this moment. Her face had become sadden as she took it all in. Once she realized that I was watching her, she turned and asked “Why is she sad, mommy.” I said to her that the lady is sad because her mom passed away. At this particular instance, I could tell by the look she had that this would come back up soon.

And so it did!

But reminiscing about my childhood brings back these same memories that I use to have as a youth. I did not want to pass away early and miss out on my family. I use to think of death and stare off into the sky and think of the future and it would bring me to tears thinking of the what-if’s. How ironic we as adults think that our children are so different from us, when in essence they are miniature replicas of ourselves waiting to blossom into their unique selves.

After the conversation was over and she settled back into her set as we continued on our way home, I could not help but to think “LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER!”

Teaching Me About Pain

Yesterday’s Sunday school lesson was about Jesus’ crucifixion and how we enjoy the life that we have because he died for our sins. Pain was also discussed as a vivid occurrence by saying that we all endure some type of pain before we experience joy!

This statement started me to reflect upon the birth of my daughter. I went through a natural delivery, impacted by back labor which caused me to feel as if my back was breaking into many pieces. But at the exact moment my daughter was able to open her eyes and grace upon the light of my room that pain became a distant memory. Joy filled my soul! As I look back on the pain that I thought would be etched in my brain with the association of child birth, it was replaced at that exact moment with unbridled bliss!

With the topic of pain, I take a page out of my 6 year olds book and aspire to obtain a portion of her resilience and loving nature and tailor it to myself. I look at the times when my daughter has been her sickest and she always mustard up enough energy to say “mommy are you okay” or “I Love You, mommy” or just walk into the next room to be under me. For me, children have a natural disregard for themselves when it comes to the bond that they have with their parents. They posses a desire to overlook their pain to make sure that we are experiencing joy and not pain.

As my daughter gets older, I see the life lessons that God has laid before me to bestow upon her. But I am also learning through her some lessons of my own that I have forgotten as time went on.

We never stop learning, until we die! Take time out one day and observe your children; they may have a lesson for you.

Deepest Fear!

As a single working mother, my deepest fears are that I am not devoting enough time to my child. Also, I worry that if something happens to me what would happen to her; will she have a solid foundation to survive and succeed without me?Reading the poem below and remembering a situation that happened with my daughter jolted me into action to stop fearing the unknown and try!

Back in August I begin writing a children’s book with a companion book for parents. This book was about how I came to an early realization that my daughter was more aware and in tuned with me and her surrounding then I thought she was for a 5 year old. I hope that this book will help other parents to speak with their children about things more often! It is a learning process after all.


OUR DEEPEST FEARS by Marianne Williamson

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear in that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World.There is nothing enlightening about shrinkingso that other people won’t feel unsure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.As we let our own Light shine,we consciously give other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others."